


Every Man's Fantasy

by peppermintquartz



Series: Bleachverse: Red Black White Gold [1]
Category: Bleach
Genre: Crack, Multi, Renji is a sex magnet, Seducing the Unwilling, Unknowing participant in an Urahara experiment, Urahara is a genius and a pervert, Yoruichi is the devil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-06
Updated: 2012-06-06
Packaged: 2017-11-07 01:04:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/425224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peppermintquartz/pseuds/peppermintquartz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Apparently everyone wants to jump Renji's bones or flay him alive. Perhaps both. Renji has no idea why.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Every Man's Fantasy?

Renji shookkhis head wearily as he scanned his surrounds very cautiously.

_This could **not** be happening, _ his mind screamed at him.  _Oh but it is ,_ the second thoughts inhabiting part of his brain said snarkily.

"Shut up," he muttered, then clapped a hand over his mouth and clamped down his reiatsu level in case Shuuhei and Rangiku found him.

They were still on the prowl, hunting him, and Renji was afraid.

 

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

 

It had started innocuously enough the day before.

"Oy, freeloader!" Jinta called out from the the back of the house.

Renji snarled at the short kid. "Stop calling me freeloader, kid. I'm doing all the work here, k?"

"Whatever. Boss wants ya."

 

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

 

Urahara positively beamed when the redhead sauntered into the little storeroom. "Abarai-san! Today is a such a beautiful and special day, did you know that?"

"Whatever." Renji leaned against the door frame. "Kid said you wanted me. What's up?"

"Gosh, you're so cold to me. I'm hurt." The shopkeeper pouted and clutched his heart. Then, as Renji's eyes narrowed dangerously, Urahara broke into his familiar, self-deprecating laugh. "It's your one-hundredth time of sweeping the floor! Let's celebrate!"

Abarai Renji stared at the blond ex-captain in disbelief. Briefly he considered just stalking away, but gave in to his better judgment, and hurled the broom he held in his hand at the man's head.

The broom bonked Urahara's hat off, which surprised Renji. Clearly he could have dodged the attack; Renji hadn't even put in much strength behind the throw. He sighed and gave in again. "What do you want, Urahara-san?"

"Nothing. Just to give you a present," said Urahara, tossing a small black pill box to Renji. The lieutenant took it and made a face. Urahara retrieved his hat and put it on, obscuring his eyes once more. "It's a pill designed to accelerate reiatsu control."

"No kidding." Renji would trusted Urahara Kisuke and his devices about as much as he trusted Zaraki with handling diplomatic negotiations.

"Really!" Urahara pouted again, his eyes large and sincere. "Do I look like I'm capable of lying?"

Renji snorted. "You want me to answer that honestly?"

 

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

 

It was tempting to try the pill out. After all, the ex-captain of the Research Bureau did come up with inventions like inflatable gigai and hogyoku and modsouls. But the skull and crossbow design stared Renji in the face, daring him to eat it.

_Come on, Abarai. Isn't that what you want? To master your reiatsu and bankai? The arrancar are still around, you can barely fight them off if you can't maintain power over Hihio Zabimaru._

He chewed on his bottom lip.

_Tomorrow morning. I'll eat it tomorrow morning, when I return to Soul Society to update Kuchiki-taichou. At leastkUnohana-taichou can purgekthe poison outta me if anything goes wrong._

 

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

 

"You're late, Abarai," said Kuchiki Byakuya, already seated in the spacious and airy office. "I'd expected you to remember your place and set a good example."

"Sorry, taichou." Renji flushed. He prided himself on meeting Kuchiki Byakuya's high standards; the sixth division captain had the dubious honor of firing the most lieutenants in three years. Renji had managed to stick with him for seven months, almost. It was a record. Of course, within the same seve. months he had also attained the record of raising his weapon against his captain _and_  the record of almost dying in a fight with his captain _and_   _still_ becoming his captain's most trusted lieutenant. 

Sometimes Renji wondered whether if he ought to have applied to the Sixth earlier.

Byakuya looked up from the records he was updating. "If you'd bought yourself an alarm clock instead of those sunglasses..." He paused, then shook his head as if to clear his vision. "If you'd spend your salary more judiciously... did you do something different to your hair this morning?"

_What?_

"Uh, no. it's the same style I do everyday."

"Hm. Anyway... where was I?"

Renji was slightly alarmed. Never had Kuchiki Byakuya lose his train of thought, at far as Renji knew. "Um... upbraiding me about my spending? Or do you want me to just make my report?"

Byakuya closed his eyes and licked his lips. "I'm not... feeling too well, suddenly. Just write the report and I'll look over you – I mean, it, later today." He got up and walked to the door. To the lieutenant's surprise, the tall captain collided into the jamb and fell down.

"Taichou!" Renji half-ran forward to help him up. "Should I send you to the Fourth Division?"

"It's... okay. It's okay. I can..." Byakuya's face was strangely pallid. His eyes were half lidded and his mouth parted; his breathing was shallow. With a snarl he shoved Renji's helping hands away. "I don't need your help!"

The sudden snarl shocked Renji. The captain very seldom raised his voice at anyone.

Byakuya closed his eyes and rubbed his nose. "I need... I need to go home. I feel... kind of nauseous."

"I'll send you there immed-"

"No! Shut up!" Kuchiki Byakuya said agitatedly, almost a shout, and pushed the redhead away. It was so uncharacteristic of him that Renji did not quite know what to do. "Someone else can do that. Rikichi will do it. You just stay... stay and write that report. And stay away from me."

"Yessir." Renji was not convinced that his captain was alright. Within minutes of seeing him and the aristocrat was reeling and staggering – what the freaking hell was wrong?

 

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

 

Having finished the report Renji decided to go back to his room for a bath. Along the way he greeted a few friends: Shuuhei, Kira, Inoue. Matsumoto and Rukia had returned as well, Hitsugaya-taichou having apparently run out of patience for human world food.

Rukia waved to him as she skipped into a shop displaying new posters of a Chappy related toy. Matsumoto hung about outside, looking into the display window. Renji stopped and joined her.

"Matsumoto, how long is Hitsugaya-taichou staying?" he asked.

"Long enough to get a few meals and to check on Hinamori." Matsumoto checked her reflection and tucked a few stray strands of hair behind her ears before facing Renji. "Are you staying long?"

"Not really. Gonna go home and bathe. Cleaning the gigai only is just so weird."

"Yeah..." Matsumoto's eyes seemed to be attracted to something behind the crimson-haired shinigami.

Renji looked in the direction of her gaze but there was only blank wall. "What's so interesting there?"

"Did it hurt when you got your tattoos, Renji?" Matsumoto's sudden question distracted him from his original one.

"Not really. You sorta... get used to the tingling. Why?"

"Tingling, huh. Because, y'know, you have so many..." Her eyes traced the angular design on his face and his neck, then her glance trickled to the opening of his robe. "How low do your tattoos go, Renji?"

"What sort of question is that to ask?" Renji backed away from the voluptuous lieutenant. He noted the slow smile growing on Matsumoto's face, and raised a finger. "I'm going into the shop. Bye."

As he ducked in, his head brushed against the delicate wind chimes hung just inside the door. Rukia was paying for her purchase.

"Hey Rukia." Renji scowled at the huge pink and orange poster stuck just behind the cashier. The poster was glaringly bright and clashing.

"Renji!" greeted Rukia enthusiastically. Renji sighed inwardly when she revealed the source of her enthusiasm: a Chappy nightshirt. "Isn't this adorable%3"

"It's... cute."

"Fine, if you don't appreciate good taste," snapped Rukia, her face black with anger. She shoved past the tall shinigami and strode down the street.

The sudden switch in mood startled Renji. He hurried out and called after her. She ignored him and tugged the obviously reluctant Matsumoto behind her.

Now the redhead was confused. "Okay. What the hell was  _that_ about?"

 

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

 

Kuchiki Byakuya was still wan and pale when Renji dropped by to pass him the completed report.

"I told you to stay away," he growled when his lieutenant came and settled in the aristocrat's large bedroom. "I can read the report tomorrow."

"I saw Unohana-taichou stepping out and I thought I'd ask what was wrong," replied the lieutenant.

"Nothing's wrong." The curt reply didn't deter Renji. He waited. Byakuya groaned and retched into a basin placed nearby. Renji carried the stinking basin out to the corridor and replaced it with a clean one. The captain threw his head back on the pillow, his raven hair fanning out and sticking to his damp brow. "I'm just reacting negatively to some irritant, apparently. She said it'll pass in a day or two. Now get out."

"I'll check in at the end of the day, taichou."

"Get out." Byakuya was looking faintly green again and Renji hurried from the mansion.

 

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

 

"Here, Cherry Head!" chirruped Yachiru as she stuffed a bag of sweets in his hands. Before Renji could say thanks, the littlest shinigami skipped off with a cheery wave.

"What was that about?" Renji wondered. He didn't like sweets that much, and Yachiru usually just gave him a bonk on the head or a kick to the shin. Not a bag of sweets.

And all he did was greet her with a 'Good Morning'.

 

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

 

It was strange, mused Renji as he scrubbed himself in the scalding heat of his shower. Although the captain was often aloof and indifferent, he was so seldom rude. He was still pondering the temperament change when he went to dress in his bedroom. And then had the shock of his life.

"GYAAHHHRH!" He grabbed on to the flimsy towel on his hips. Matsumoto was stretched out on his bed, a come-hither look on her face. She was dressed only in the white robe of her uniform, and the fabric clung to her curves, leaving very little to the imagination.

"Hey, Renji," she purred. Her eyes roamed freely over Renji's damp body, as if he was a dessert prepared solely for her, and her lashes lowered. "Hmmm, those tattoos really run quite a ways down your torso, huh..."

"Matsumoto, how the hell did you get into my room? And," he gulped and backed away again as she started sliding off the bed, "what the hell are you doing here?"

"Well, you wouldn't tell me about your tattoos, so I just had to come find out for myself now, don't I?" She moved slowly to him. Suddenly the towel was extremely inadequate armor; Renji groped blindly for his zanpakuto, but it was far away on his dresser.

Matsumoto chuckled throatily. "You don't need a sword now, Renji. I'm not armed, y'know."

"Matsumoto, don't make me use force now," Renji backed away some more until he hit the wall. "Don't come any nearer."

"Mmmm... force is okay," she breathed, and her tongue flicked at her lower lip. Her mouth was slightly parted and her eyes half-lidded, the way she had looked earlier outside the Chappy shop. The parting of her robe lipped open just that half-inch more, and Renji thought he was going to ahve a heart attack.

He abruptly decided there was only one thing he could do. Shoving Matsumoto back on the bed, he grabbed Zabimaru and backpedaled. He dashed into his bathroom, took the old uniform out of his laundry basket, pulled it on, and clambered out the tiny window in the bathroom. He'd pay for the repairs later.

 

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

 

He hurried down the row of offices. Something odd was brewing and he needed space to figure out -

"Whoops!"

"Ah!"

Renji rubbed the elbow that connected with the ground. "Kurotsuchi-fukutaichou!"

"Abarai-fukutaichou," Nemu said, getting to her knees. She bowed formally. "I apologize for knocking you over."

"My fault entirely. Here..." With both hands he gathered the scattered sheets. Most of it were graphs and technical drawings, and some he recognized to be kido spells in research and refinement. "I'll help you carry these to the twelfth."

"Oh, you don't have to..." Nemu's argument was cut short as he packed the thick stack neatly and set off. Nemu followed hurriedly.

When they got there and he handed the papers to Nemu, she bowed again. When she looked up, there was a sparkle in her eyes that, to Renji, was starting to look oddly familiar. "Abarai-fukutaichou, I would be honored if you'd accept a dinner from me tonight, as a sign of gratitude."

"I... can't, although I'd love to," Renji said hurriedly. She was edging closer to him instead of scurrying into the building as she normally did. "I'm going back to Karakura tonight.""Tomorrow night?"

"Uh... I'll... get back to you. Bye."

 

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

 

That was odd. Especially since Nemu Kurotsuchi never spoke to other males if there was a chance the psychotic captain might overhear.

Renji froze.

"No... no no no. Kurotsuchi-taichou has no need for me as a lab rat," he reassured himself. He wasn't sure though – the captain wasn't known for his sanity or his scruples.

"Abarai." Another female voice. Renji sighed. Ise Nanao. Well, at lest she shouldn't be a#ting too oddly now, would she?

Ise caught up with him. "Abarai, did you see Kyoraku-taichou... did you get a new tattoo or something?"

"Nnnno, Ise. Still the same number of tattoos."  _Alright. Very, very odd._

"You seem different somehow..." Ise's eyes wandered over his eyes and lips, then down his neck before snapping up to meet his widening eyes again. "Uh, Kyoraku-taichou?"

"Um, I think I saw him headed to the pub," the taller shinigami said and backed away from her intense scrutiny. "You should go after him. Really."

Ise tilted her head. "Oh... let's not bother him. I was wondering," she murmured as she stepped closer, "if you're free for dinner tonight... or maybe I could interest you in breakfast tomorrow."

Renji grinned like a maniac. "Nope. Not free at all. Busy, busy. Bee-like. I know someone who is. You can ask Nemu - I mean, Kurotsuchi-fukutaichou if- gyeahheh..."

She was running her slim fingers along his arms. He quickly pulled them back, skin still tingling from the unexpected caress. She pouted, a sexy look never seen on her face. "One might think you're afraid of me, Renji-kun."

"One might not be wrong," Renji mumbled. He said too-brightly, "Please. Ise-fukutaichou, your captain is in the pub. Go look for him."

"He's better off by himself. Whereas for us..." Ise's lips parted invitingly, her tongue running the edge of her teeth.

"Your captain wouldn't be happy to hear you say that, Ise-fukutaichou. I really have to go." He smiled nervously and ran off. "We'll talk again some other time."

Ise called out after him. "I'll be waiting tonight at the Blue Heron!"

 

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

 

Renji paused for breath. "What the  _fuck_ is happening today?"

"You starting to talk to yourself would be my guess," replied a male voice.

Renji straightened to see his friend, senpai and colleague, Hisagi Shuuhei.  _Thank the lords._

"Not funny." Renji rolled his eyes. "It's been a weird day, Shuuhei." He shared the morning's experience, heavily editing the part where Matsumoto came on to him. He knew Shuuhei had a soft spot for the tenth division lieutenant.

"Hmmm... well, I'm headed back to my place after an all-nighter. You could hide out there till the women get to their senses and start pursuing me instead," Shuuhei suggested.

"Sounds good. I wouldn't mind if you could lend me a spare outfit too."

 

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

 

As Shuuhei rummaged for an old standard uniform that Renji could fit into, Renji sat on the sofa and thought about the events that occurred. None of it made sense. He was interrupted in his ruminations by a large pile of fabric tossed onto his face.

"Make sure it's washed and ironed before you return it," warned Shuuhei. He flung a towel over his shoulder and went to the bathroom.

"Thanks for your generosity," called out Renji. He stripped of his old, wrinkled suit and pulled on the new hakama. "Where shall I put my old clothes?"

Shuuhei emerged from the bathroom, stark naked. It wasn't a big deal; most male shinigami have seen each other in the nude before, often sharing showers at the public baths. But there was predatory intent in the way Hisagi Shuuhei moved now.

"I think you can stay right here in this room," he said. He pulled out a tube from a drawer. "I can keep you safe." Suddenly Renji realized the room felt a lot smaller. Shuuhei had a strange gleam in his eyes. His mouth opened with a slow grin. "You must be hot and sweaty after running... we could shower together."

"Oh no... not you too." Hastily Renji pulled on the shirt of the uniform. It was slightly too small and as he struggled with the sleeves, he realized Hisagi was right in front of him. The shinigami must have used flash step while Renji was figuring out how to escape. "Oh shit."

Renji's thoughts fizzled out when Shuuhei kissed him. The man had soft lips, slightly too dry, but the way he moved them against the younger shinigami made Renji's head swim. There was just the slightest nibble on Renji's lips before Shuuhei pressed his tongue into the younger male's mouth. Renji's panicked mind somehow absorbed the fact that Shuuhei was very, very good at kissing, so good that Renji was beginning to feel a little hot under the collar. Then his body reacted from sheer instinct and Renji pushed the slimmer man away. "Oh  _gross!_ "

"You don't mean that," said Hisagi huskily. "I'm sure you liked it... enough to try a second one."

"No. No second one, Shuuhei. There shouldn't have been the first one even- don't come near me now!" exclaimed Renji, a hand raised as a shield. To his horror, Hisagi was getting turned on, judging by the wicked smile. "And don't give me the line about 'force being okay', okay?"

"Alright, I won't," drawled the dark haired shinigami. His pace forward was sleek and cat-like, his smirk a little too knowing; Renji blanched. This was not good at all.

Shuuhei was between him and the main door.

He wanted to close his eyes and shake his head clear, but dared not look away. "Ah crap." he took a running leap and crashed through the windows.

 

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

 

Abarai Renji had stood outside the Third Division offices for a while now. The office was assiduously avoided by all and sundry; Ichimaru's legendary pranks and protective barriers conditioned all shinigami to leave the office well alone, even though the captain was now long gone. But then, there might still be a few booby traps...

What in the world was causing the shinigami of Soul Society to react so strangely? It couldn't have been the pill; he had it still in his room at the grocery store. He hadn't eaten it. Renji groaned softly.

"I'd better scan and avoid Zaraki-taichou," he muttered. He could escape Matsumoto Rangiku, he could escape Hisagi Shuuhei, but there was no way he could run from Zaraki Kenpachi. Renji did not even want to go near the scary visual place. He groaned again, and then squeaked when he felt a hand land on his shoulder.

"So there you are," a male voice chided. Hisagi leaned against the wall. "I like Hide-and-Seek, but I must say you're not playing fair, y'know? I wasn't even dressed."

"Eh heheheh..." Renji grinned weakly. Who told Hisagi he was here?

Kira emerged from Hisagi's shadow. "Shuuhei, get the disgusting baboon away from my division, will you?"

"What's disgusting about Abari now, Kira?" inquired Shuuhei politely. "He has those fine, sculpted arm muscles, the very toned abs, the artistic lines tracing up and down his body... makes you wanna..."

"Lick'em." The female voice that completed the sentence caused Renji to freeze. Matsumoto's smile was very hungry. "Renji-chan, you didn't even show me the tattoos properly. Naughty boys must be punished."

"Oh damn." Renji was cornered against the wall. As the two pressed closer and Kira's face turned colder, the redheaded lieutenant decided that he had to act like a man. "All right! All you want is me, yeah?"

"Oh  _yeah."_ The same grin spread across both Matsumoto's and Hisagi's faces.

"Okay." Renji took a deep breath and stepped forward. As the buxom blonde reached out and the dark-haired lieutenant tried to embrace Renji, the sixth division lieutenant leaped up and sprinted over the rooftops.

 

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

 

"Rukia please! You have to help me!"

"Why?" Her large eyes were full of hatred. Renji had never seen her like this, but compared to the lust in Matsumoto's and Hisagi's eyes, he'd take hatred any day.

It'd be nice to have so many admirers – female admirers preferred, but Renji knew himself to be no female fantasy. And if had been Rukia...

But somehow, today, everyone he met seemed to want him to be their boytoy. Except for Kira, who insulted him, Kuchiki-taichou, who turned ill and Rukia, who was now as immovable as the proverbial Rock of Gibraltar. 

e0A

And now the captain Ukitake Juushiro had seen him too, and was sitting not too far away, playing with his long white hair in a manner no male should be able to get away with and yet look so manly. Inoue Orihime was beside him, her ample chest moving a little harder than was warranted. She was blushing whenever Renji stole glances at her – just to confirm his hypothesis.

"Rukia. You're my last hope. I need you to help me figure this out!"

Ukitake raised a hand, his lovely eyes sparkling. "How about my help, Renji?"

%0

"I-I don't mind helping, Abarai-kun," interjected Orihime softly. She smiled at him, with the same sort of look he noticed she'd get whenever Ichigo was mentioned.

_Ichigo! That's it! Probably whatever infected Soul Society hadn't infected him yet. I hope. I pray._

"You have, Orih – I mean, Inoue-san. Thanks. Bye Rukia!"

Rukia scowled darkly as Renji ran out of the thirteenth division. Ukitake and Inoue watched him go, a wistful look in their eyes.

"He really has the cutest ears, doesn't he?" Ukitake commented.

Inoue blushed and added. "And the sweetest smile."

"And his voice?Aaaahh." Both the captain and the ex-ryoka sighed contentedly.

Rukia snorted. "Both of you are insane." She stalked out of the room.

 

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

 

"Urahara-san!"

Renji called out in vain hope that the sandaled fellow would explain the inexplicable phenomena. He wasn't around though, so Renji flash-stepped to Ichigo's home.

"Hey, strawberry head!"

"Hey." The shinigami representative kept his head down and focused on his homework. "I'm really busy. Buzz off."

"Needing your help, Ichigo. Why else would I be here?"

"Whatever." Ichigo tossed his pen down on the table and swerved around. "What do you want?"

As their eyes met, Ichigo's face turned greener than Kuchiki Byakuya's did. The boy ran out of the bedroom, to the bathroom and, from the sound of it, threw up violently. Renji sighed. It was getting to be predictable. After a while Ichigo returned but did not enter his room.

"Alright, talk t/ me through the door," said Ichigo faintly. "What did you do to yourself that I puke the moment I see ya? Not that I don't usually want to, but this is way more serious than usual."

"Hey. Watch the insults, alright? As for the puking, I wish I knew." Renji detailed the events that had happened, including the pill in the box that he received from Urahara. "I've got it with me now."

"Roll it out from under the door, let me take a look. Not at you though."

"Whatever, pea brain."

Ichigo examined the pill. It was black and had the pirate's motif Urahara and the fourth division loved so much. He sniffed it gingerly.

"I think you should eat it, Renji."

"What?"

"I think you should eat it. I don't think he'll poison you. It's probably the antidote," Ichigo snorted. "Besides, I throw up when I see ya, pill or not."

"Shut up." Renji picked up the pill rolled under the closed door. He blew off the dust and, praying fervently that it wouldn't kill him, popped it into his mouth. As he swallowed he felt a tingling sensation spread from his stomach to his extremities. "Whoa. That was... awesome."

The door opened. Ichigo walked in quickly. "I agree  _fully_."


	2. One Man's... Nightmare (Maybe)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Apparently everyone wants to jump Renji's bones or flay him alive. Perhaps both. Renji has no idea why.

“I agree _fully_ ,” said Ichigo.

Renji looked up. “Ichigo, you're back to normal? No more puke-when-you-see-Renji-ness?”

“Better than normal.” The orange-haired teenager growled and launched himself at the redhead.

“Ooof!”

They tussled and knocked the chair off its legs, scattered all of Ichigo's books and finally ended with Renji pinning the smaller Ichigo beneath him with a choke hold. “What the fucking hell were you trying to do?!”

“I know I haven't done this before,” rasped Ichigo, “but I think I'd prefer being on top.”

“Oh no... The bloody pill didn't work!” swore the lieutenant. He cursed Urahara long and imaginatively under his breath, wishing the sandaled ex-captain would turn up so he could be cursed at properly. Unfortunately, as he was preoccupied with wishing all sorts of debilitating illnesses on Urahara's privates, Ichigo bucked and reversed the hold. Renji was slammed facedown to the wooden floor, none too gently. As he struggled Ichigo leaned down and licked Renji up the back of his neck, and began nibbling on Renji's right ear. Renji twisted away from the ticklish sensation.

“Mmmmmmmm....Do you taste the same in your gigai, Renji?” asked the teenager, shifting so that he could straddle the shinigami lieutenant. Renji groaned inwardly. If anyone saw them in this position, he'd have to reincarnate and die again just to get over the humiliation. “Or do you taste better down _there_?” Ichigo's free hand slid down Renji's back and moved to his hip, obviously wanting to slip it between...

“Hey hey hey!” yelped Renji, valiantly and vainly trying to throw the boy off. It did part of the trick though; Ichigo was now licking him again, his strong hands massaging his shoulders. It would have been pretty relaxing if not for the fact that Renji was, essentially, imprisoned by Ichigo's wrestling move.

He stopped and thought as calmly as he could, while Ichigo plastered wet kisses on the back of his neck. It felt kind of nice; Ichigo's lips were softer and more moist than Shuuhei's, and the boy appeared to have an instinctive knowledge of how to work his tongue... “HEY! Get off me!”

Ichigo's tone was wickedly sensual. “Not gonna happen. Maybe if you beg me nicely?”

Renji scrunched up his eyes. Then he snapped them open. “Ichigo, I think I'd prefer if you were also in shinigami form.”

“But I'd have to get off you...”

“...so that I can move around and we see each other face to face.” _Please, please believe me._

Ichigo's brain must have been clouded by red hot lust because he released Renji from the awkward position. But Renji congratulated himself a little too long because he found his lips locked with Ichigo's shinigami formwithin a second.

In fact, as Renji tried to push the boy away, he realized the boy was becoming a man. And Renji was right about Ichigo having an instinct on how to use his tongue...  _Oh bugger it_ .

“Whooo-eee... Someone bring some ice! Too bad shinigami don't show up on video, else I could have a great hit on Youtube,” exclaimed a familiar voice at the window. The redhead managed to wrestle lust-filled Ichigo away for a moment; it didn't deter the teenager, who now occupied himself with nibbling on Renji's neck.

“Urahara%2q Your stupid pill got him to become all horny! For me!” Renji tried in vain to disentangle himself from the teenager. “Undo it! Undo it!”

“I dunno,” grinned the shopkeeper. “You seem quite happy with the attention, Abarai-san.”

“SHADDUP AND STOP THIS!” Renji panicked when Ichigo began to tug on his belt while sucking on his collarbone. “Please! He,p!”

“Being polite gets you everywhere.” Urahara smiled behind his fan. He called out to the lusty strawberry. “Kurosaki-kun!”

“What? Stop distracting my lover from – ulp.” A small red pill had been shot into his mouth. The boy gulped it down and coughed. Renji stopped struggling, hoping that Ichigo would snap out of whatever nutzoid world his mind was in.

“Eurgh, that was foul.” Ichigo returned his attention to the lieutenant. “Let's get that taste out of my mouth.”

He grabbed and kissed Renji again, who flailed about, trying to reach Urahara for salvation. The shopkeeper dodged, all the while chuckling silently behind his fan, watching the show.

Suddenly Ichigo froze. He pulled away and looked into Renji's face. Then realized that his arms were locked about Renji's torso. And that he was about to pin Renji onto his own bed. Then realized he had a real and pressing need to get into the bathroom for a good, long, _icy cold_ shower.

“Oh god, Renji lips, lips of Renji,” he muttered a small scream as he spat and rubbed at his lips and tongue. “I'm gonna bathe in bleachfor a friggin' _month_! And mouthwash! I need mouthwash... I actually kissed Renji! Of all people I kissed Renji! Gaaaahghk!” 

“With lots of tongue action, if I may add?” Urahara commented politely. “Very exciting.”

“Oh gods, I'm gonna throw up. Again. Tongue. Lips. Oh gods...” Ichigo fled.

“That-that was the real antidote?” Renji demanded as he collapsed on Ichigo's bed, next to Ichigo's form. The boy had sprinted out the door without a second glance, not even bothering to return to his body.

“Sort of,” said Urahara. “You didn't eat the pill immediately yesterday?”

“No.”

“So that's why the stimulant's effects are enhanced! And since the original dose already upped their reactions based on sexual attractionn.. This is very interesting.” The gleam in Urahara's eye could rival any mad scientist's on the verge of bringing their creation to life. “Oh, on a side note, the effects on their sex drive are going to grow stronger over time. You're gonna have to put up with a few more episodes of this, Abarai-kun. At least until the pill's effects wear off – in about a month or so.”

If anything the ex-captain sounded  _amused_ . 

So he was a guinea pig? Dammit. Renji gritted his teeth. “How the hell am I supposed to get them back to normal?”

“I have a batch of the, uh, antidote. You want them back to normal, you'll have to deliver it yourself. On the bright side, you only need to give to those most affected by you. They could be sickened, or extremely agitated, or just plain horny – as our dear Kurosaki-kun has demonstrated. If it's just wide-open eyes and a tendency to swoon, they'll be fine in a day or so.” Urahara's smile was angelic and innocent. “You sure you want them normal?”

“Of course I do!”

“But going back to Soul Society now...”

“C'mon,” said Renji resignedly. “Zabimaru's there. Besides, I've been kissed by Shuuhei and Ichigo already. How bad can it get?”

 

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

 

“Idiot, idiot, idiot,” he scolded himself as he dodged another lovestruck Academy student. “How bad? _This_ bad!”

At least they were all students. It wasn't difficult to escape them, and with his radar on for Zaraki-taichou – and other captains – and other lieutenants – he was relatively safe. He was gonna avoid Soul Society for a  _month_ until he was certain the shinigami were all back to normal. And maybe selective amnesia would kick in.

He pulled his shades off. Erroneously he had thought that eye contact was the trigger. Turns out just his magnificent self alone was capable of sending a girl into swooning adoration.

“Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn...” he flash-stepped to the beat of cursing to the Kuchiki compound. Hoping that his captain could contain himself until the dosage took effect, Renji crept into Kuchiki Byakuya's quarters.

_Lucky._ He was asleep, a cup of tea by his bed. Renji tiptoed to the cup and dropped a pill in it. As he turned to leave a hand grabbed his ankle.

_Oh crap._

“Taichou! Have a cup of tea. Please.” He knew his grin was manic. But the realization didn't ebb with the realization of the sudden surge in reiatsu from Byakuya. Renji quickly knelt down and passed Byakuya the cup. “Have some.”

The captain took a sip and spat it out. _Drink the whole thing up, dammit._

“It's cold.” Byakuya was as close to sulking as Renji had ever seen. His black hair was a little mussed from having stayed in bed all day.

Renji resisted the strange urge to neaten it; this may not be the usual aristocratic captain he dealt with regularly, but Renji still wanted all his fingers intact. But then again, it was almost cute, the way his dark eyes narrowed and the well-shaped upper lip curled up, the pale pink similar to the color of Senbonzakura...

“I don't like cold tea. Bring me another cup.”

_I don't think I have enough pills to dissolve another._

_You could give this to him in a_ **different** _way. But he'll be pissed when he sanes up._ His second thoughts were talking again.

_Well, what's the worst he could do?_

_Dismember you or impale you or just slash you until there are only blood splotches left._ Second-thought Renji put in.  _You know, death-inducing stuff._

_Death is still better than lust-bunny Kuchiki-taichou._

An incongruous image of Byakuya in a bunny suit brought a smile to his lips. In an instant he decided. “Taichou, I could...uh, warm this up for you.”

Byakuya's lashes lowered and he tilted his head slightly. He put his hands on Renji's knees and leaned in. “Then it had better be good and hot.”

_Even when he's nuts he's still exactly the same demanding man._

Renji took a mouthful of the tea – it was not _that_ cold – and pressed his warm lips against his captain's.

 

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

 

“Captain! I had to! I can explain! Really!”

“Be glad I've no energy to summon bankai! Get out!”

 

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

 

Renji rubbed his mouth with the back of his hand. Three guys he'd kissed in the space of one day.

This could not be happening. Three. Guys. Rukia would kill him.

But if he had to choose one out of the three... “Eurgh, gross! Abarai Renji, you need a good kicking in the head.”

A shadow fell across his path. A curvy, auburn haired shadow. Rangiku Matsumoto. Her eyes were red and Renji felt bad... but then, he didn't make her cry, did he?

“I really, really agree with the head-kicking,” said Matsumoto. She had on her uniform again. More importantly, her zanpakuto was in her hand. Unsheathed. Glittering. Her voice was a snarl of jealous rage. “I heard that you kissed Shuuhei. Renji, how could you?”

“For the record, I didn'tkkiss him, he kissed me.” _I can't believe I'm saying this out loud as my defense._ “Matsumoto, calm down. You don't want to do this.”

“Wanna bet?” her tone was even lower now. Renji could see the whitened knuckles as she gripped her sword. “All I wanted was to be with you, show you what true loving could be... and you dumped me! For a _man_! If you wanted to know the sixty-nine I could've taught you too!”

“Whoa whoa whoa.... hold it, Matsumoto. Shuuhei and I didn't do anything, okay? No sixty-nine, no numerical value of _any kind_. I ran away from him too-”

“So first you dumped me, and then you dumped the man you dumped me for?!” Matsumoto's voice rose to a shrill screech. “Growl, Haineko.”

_Not good. So not good._

“I don't wanna hurt you, Matsumoto.” Renji tried to figure out the best way to escape and then to cure her. “But I will if I have to.”

“You already did.”

Renji decided that the best defense was a good offense. He ducked under the cloudy gray particles and grabbed Matsumoto's by her slim waist. Her breasts pressed against his broad chest as she hammered on his shoulders. “Stop struggling, Matsumoto, this'll hurt me more than it hurts you!”

He dropped a pill into her mouth and clamped her mouth shut with his hand until she swallowed. Renji held on to her until she relaxed her struggling, then let go and backed away a few steps. He thought about it, then backed away a few more steps.

“Um, Matsumoto, are you yourself again?”

She raised her tear-stained face to look at him. “Yeah, I am. I had the weirdest sensation though, of wanting to beg you to undress me...”

Seeing Renji squirm, she laughed. “Relax, boy. I ain't gonna spread a word. You think I want people to say I was dumped for Hisagi-san?”

As she turned to leave, she paused. “It means a lot though.”

“What does?”

“It means a lot that you didn't take advantage of me.”

 

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

 

Okay, two down, Kira, Shuuhei, and Rukia to go.

Renji knocked on the door timidly. _No glomping please. Please?_

“Renji,” Kira said. He sounded normal, although he opened the door only partway. “What do you want? I'm trying to rest.”

“Um, Matsumoto asked me to deliver this to you. She said it'll help you relax.”

“How did she know?”

“I dunno. You can eat it and ask her about it.”

Kira looked at the little red pill in his hand and then at Renji. “I won't eat it.”

Renji's heart sank. He could smell alcohol on Kira's breath. Did he have to go through this with each of them? “Kira, please. Just swallow and everything troubling you goes away.”

“Oh really?” Kira's eyes widened with anger. “The magic pill, huh? If such a pill exists, I should have bought a dozen full cartons! I'd take one every single day, just to stop feeling jealous whenever you look at another shinigami...”

“Oh dear.”

Renji held on to the suddenly crying Kira in his arms. Why was it that the male shinigami were the ones who ended up in his embrace? And only one woman, and Renji had been too damned honorable to take advantage of her. _Idiot._ He sighed and tried to rectify the situation.

“Kira. Kira, listen. You don't love me. Take the pill and you'll see.”

“What do you mean? You mean you think my love is false? It's all pretend? That with the pill all my affections can be transferred? Newsflash, Renji: I've loved you since our Academy days. I can't believe you'd-” his breath hitched and he hiccuped. Renji sighed again and picked up his ex-classmate. Kira was definitely drunk. “Renji, I love you, I really... I tried not to, but I can't stop...”

Renji sighed. “Take the damn pill and don't let me worry about you.”

“... Okay.”

 

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

 

“I am really, really sorry, Renji. I swear I wasn't myself.”

“I know. But do stop drinking yourself to sleep from now on. It doesn't help.” Renji cleared up the bottles and hesitated. “I've tried it myself, remember?”

Kira's answering smile was dim. “Yeah.”

 

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

 

Shuuhei's door was unlocked. Was that a good sign?

“Hey,” he said. His eyes smoldered as they wandered over Renji's body, resting on a point Renji was extremely uncomfortable with. “Knew you'd come back. That Matsumoto bitch thought you were hers, and I set her right.”

Shuuhei got off the bed and locked the door after pulling Renji inside. He dimmed the lights as well, leaving Renji standing in semi-darkness.

_The fly is in the spider's web._

Renji ruthlessly suppressed the flight instinct. “I, um, met her. She's clear now.”

_Pill is in my hand. Just gotta find the right opening._

_Oh, for a better turn of phrase._

“Of course she is clear. I made sure of that.” Shuuhei's arms slipped about Renji's waist from behind the tall shinigami. Renji tried to twist away. “Stop that... you'll wriggle, and writhe, and twist later, I promise. Right now... let's just take things slow, hmmm? The lights are right, there's just you and me, it's late in the evening...”

“Uh, Shuuhei... your other seated officers might hear you. Us.” _Please, please hear me._

Shuuhei chuckled huskily. “Really? I never knew you were a screamer.” His left hand slipped into the opening of Renji's top and began caressing the 'very toned abs'. He breathed into Renji's neck. “It's alright, I gave them the night off, since I knew I'd be very, very busy... and since your captain is sick too, you won't be disturbed...” He licked the hollow between Renji's neck and collarbone.

“Okay! Alright!” Renji shuddered and fought out of Shuuhei's embrace. “It's getting too weird. Shuuhei, something's going on, and you're affected by it. Very, very strongly.”

“Of course something's going on.” The ninth division lieutenant stalked across the carpet. His left forefinger traced the tattooed number on his cheek. “I know I feel different. Powerful. Alive. Hungry.”

“O~kay. That's, uh... good to know.”

“It feels too good to be true.”

“Oh.” Renji was relieved. It figured; a smart man like Shuuhei shouldn't be fooled for long by whatever mind-altering drug Urahara had cooked up in that warlock's cauldron of his. “Then, uh, don't you want to, y'know, stop that feeling?”

“I know what it is I want to feel,” interrupted the dark-haired lieutenant, advancing like a panther. Renji gulped and stepped backwards. “I want to feel you. All around me.”

“Oh. _Oh._ ” With rising alarm Renji started moving towards the windows. Then he caught sight of Zabimaru, buried beneath the pillows. Shuuhei saw his eyes fix upon his sword.

“Yeah, Renji, Zabimaru's right there.” Shuuhei climbed onto the bed again, and lazed against the pillows. “Why don't you join us?”

Renji wasn't fooled; he noted the lithe grace and the taut muscles of his academy senpai. But his own zanpakuto... he couldn't leave Zabimaru here.

_Hey. If you could manage to squirm out of the kiss with Byakuya, I'm sure you can take Shuuhei down too. Not in that way, of course._

_Kuchiki-taichou was not feeling well, that's why I escaped unscathed._

_Yeah right. Like he wasn't taking every advantage just now, with his hands and his-_

_Shut up._

_I'm_ in _your head, braintrust. Shut me up._

“What's wrong, Renji?” Shuuhei's eyes darkened with more than lust. His nostrils flared slightly. “You're thinking of that little Kuchiki bitch again, aren't you?”

“Shut your mouth.” Renji's instinctive reply shot out of him before he registered that, once again, Hisagi Shuuhei was proving to be exceedingly talented in shunpo.

The shorter man grabbed Renji'3 head down and whispered, “Do it for me.”

Renji had only time enough to slip the pill into his own mouth before Shuuhei took his second taste of the redhead.

 

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

 

“I am going to kill Urahara when I finally meet him,” Shuuhei growled from inside the bathroom for the fiftienth time. At the rate he was brushing his teeth and gargling, he probably needed another new toothbrush and a whole new set of dental insurance. And probably new teeth as well. “I am going to _kill_ him!”

Zabimaru finally returned to his side, Renji propped his chin in his hands. “You'reknot the only one.”

 

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

 

Last one left.

Rukia was in the thirteenth division tonight, if Orihime was staying. He had to find a way to get to Rukia without arousing Inoue's and Ukitake-taichou's attention.

_My kingdom for a better choice of words._

Renji slipped into Rukia's room – thank the heavens he'd been here often enough – only to realize Rukia was sitting on the bed, her arms crossed.

For a petite girl in a Chappy nightshirt, she was doing a good impression of an avenging angel.

“Well?” Her tone was icy, and the glare from her clear eyes pinned Renji to the spot. “I had to listen to Orihime _and_ Ukitake-taichou _and_ Matsumoto raving over you. And Ise-fukutaicho and Kurotsuchi-fukutaichou wanted me to tell them when you were available so they can take you out for meals. Pleased now? You're Mr. Popularity.”

“Rukia, listen,” Renji began, then dropped his hands. “Look, I've had a really, really hard, day. And right now, I think you don't even need the pill. You certainly seem normal, compared to everyone else.”

“Everyone else? How much _**else**_ was there?”

“Your brother, for one, Kira, Matsumoto, Ise and Nemu – um, Kurotsuchi-fukutaichou you know... Ichigo was the ultimate...” Renji shook his head. “No, I take that back. Shuuhei was the scariest.”

“My _brother_ and _Ichigo_?!” yelped Rukia. 

Renji hissed at her to keep her voice low. He did not want Orihime and Ukitake-taichou finding him.

She got to her feet. “You are so beyond dead. You are the deadest man in seireitei, Abarai Renji. In fact, Soukyoku would be peanuts compared to what I'm going to do to you...”

“Hey, hold it,” Renji tried to placate the irate girl, “I didn't ask for them to come on to me.”

“But they did. And you probably let them, didn't you?” Rukia reached for her sword on the table.

Renji drew Zabimaru halfway out of its sheath. “Hold it, Rukia. You're under some influence of this... pill thingy Urahara gave me. Eat this and you'll feel more like yourself.”

Rukia snarled and leaped.

Renji caught her in mid-air, popped the red pill into her mouth, and let her beat on him with her small fists until she stopped.

“Feel better?” Renji asked tentatively. He offered a timorous smile.

Rukia glared at him. “No.” She yanked his ear and pulled him down to eye level, before planting a full, rich, wet kiss on his lips.

 

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

 

“I won,” Yoruichi smirked.

Urahara pouted. “But he was approached by women as well, Yoruichi. So it's not a full loss.”

“He kissed three men out of the five who showed interest. As compared to only one out of the five women.” Then, as Urahara opened his mouth to protest, Yoruichi laid down her aces. “One of them he kissed on two separate occasions, and Renji himself initiated one kiss with Byakuya, which counts as a triple. So even if we deduct his kiss with Rukia – from the overall total, I still get five points.”

Urahara sighed dramatically. “Fine. Ten fuzzy belly rubs and ten days of top quality maguro. Happy?”

“Very.” Yoruichi licked her fur and purred.

 

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Repost from FFnet.

**Author's Note:**

> Reposted from FFnet. Minor edits.


End file.
